this is the end, my friend.

sometimes i still think about what it would be like if we didn't have kids. now that i've had tristan, however, i think those things less often. i don't like following that train of thought because i just end up wishing i didn't have kids, and that's not something i want.
lola is at jeni's for the next couple of days, and tristan is at my feet crying. he's fighting sleep and he wants to be held, but if i pick him up, i'll never be able to put him down. i am slowly but surely trying to break him of that need to be held all of the time. i try to keep him awake as much as possible so that he'll sleep longer at night, which seems to be working really well. keep my fingers crossed that it continues.
a while ago, christopher and i watched a program on the history channel about the apocalypse. the program was very good and really interesting, up until the point where they mentioned that the world is going to end in 2012, according to the bible and several experts on the bible. great. so you mean to tell me that my daughter will never reach her teens, and that my baby will never be anything more? awesome. that makes me really excited about bringing another life into the world. i know that as a christian, i should be "excited" about the end of the world, and going up to heaven to live there in peace, but i can't. thinking about it, i realized that if the world does come to an end in a few years, that means that christopher and i will have only been married about six years. i said forever. maybe not in vows in a church in a formal wedding, but we're married and there's been te acknowledgement that we're in this for the long haul between us for many years now. we might not have said forever in front of friends and family but we've said it to each other, and that's even more important. forever is FOREVER, not just a few years because the world ended. that means that we're supposed to grow old together and travel and meet a grandchild or two.
i haven't decided which part bothers me more - christopher or the kids. i guess i would have to say that it's tristan that breaks my heart the most. he's just a baby. he might not get to go to disneyland or see a movie in the theater, or swim in the ocean, or learn about sports or cars or girls or school or anything. i want to see him as a teenager and as a man. i want to judge him next to the yardstick that is his father. i want him to argue with me about tattoes and piercings and girls. i want him to be a momma's boy.
and there's lola. she might make it to the first grade. she might have little friends to run around on the playground with. she actually know her numbers, alphabet, colors. i'll never get to see how beautiful she'll be fully grown or what kind of woman will she be? will she go to college? will she join the military? will she marry?
will they join the military? will they really fall in love?
part of me has accepted that this could very well be a reality, and it has affected how i look at things. oh, no money? so what? the world's gonna end. i haven't got to travel the world, or even the us. or even the state that i live in. we don't have money saved away to build the house of our dreams, or to have the wedding that we want.
i just look at tristan and i feel like he's never gonna grow up. and i don't think that's because he's my baby. i think it's because part of me believes that he's gonna be this way eternally.
i don't know why i don't worry about lola so much. maybe because she's done some growing up, and seen a few things.
either way, i hope that it's going to be a long time before the apocalypse.