things that happen and don't

have i mentioned yet that whenever i go to the mall, i expect to run into you? sometimes (ok, most times), i catch myself looking for you.
it's sad, because you're kinda like my bad idea. or drug. or just bad habit. i keep wanting to reach out to you somehow, maybe suggest that we get together at some point, but somethings keeps from making that final leap. i guess it's the thought that maybe you're talking shit about me behind my back . . . i remember very well the things you said about taylor, and now you guys are best friends again.
i'm sitting here thinking that i should suggest a get-together so that i can really tell you how i've been feeling lately, and to find out if we'll actually be friends (in a closer sense than we have been lately), or if it's a better idea that I make my stand and say, "no more."

Friends

I think that even though it might be a good thing to have one person that you can tell everything to, I think it is probably a good idea that some things remain unsaid. Or, if that can't be the case, have several people that you can tell certain things to. I say this because it seems as though I have made the mistake of telling one person nearly every important thing about me, expecting somewhere deep down inside that we would always be friends - and now, I guess we aren't. Maybe you could still call us friends, but friends at least reach out and touch one another, and while I have made the effort to do so, that person has not reciprocated, and it leaves me feeling rather empty. I want to force a confession from this person - why would do you do this to me? are we not friends? is this it?
I won't.
I'm trying to see it for what it is, and realize that maybe this is the best thing to do.
But it's hard.
And I miss her.

she and i

i admitted to him that i miss you. that, i thought i would never do. even though our relationship was out in the open - all of it - it was something that i didn't talk about. why make him mad, or upset him when it didn't really benefit me in the end. after all, it was him that i had to share space with.
but we worked together, and that was something as a victory, even though i didn't get you the job there in order to circumvent him. but then you left. you left me, i guess. i've never really admitted that out loud, either, but that's kind of how i saw it. i think that helped me resent you for a little while.
it didn't take me long to get over that, honestly. i put on a face because i didn't want anyone else to know that i really did miss you.
now you've moved and you're engaged and we don't ever talk. i've reached out to you a coupla times, but you haven't gotten back to the email that i was most hoping you'd respond to. and you've resurrected friendships with two people that you swore you wouldn't (and i have to admit that i was happy about that, because that meant that there'd only be me).
so now, what?
we've both moved on and we have our own lives . . .
but i miss you. i miss your sense of humor and how you were always around to go to joe's or just to hang out. we had a fucking gimmick, for Christ's sake.
we shared a lot. i came very close to ruining my marriage for you, and now there's nothing. i could accept that if i knew that you were meant to be my closest friend just to help me heal wounds that were still festering. maybe that's all we were supposed to be to one another, i guess.
honestly, though, i'm still feeling that urge to reach out to her (and again to you) so that we can all hang out. why? because you both were a part of something that i wasn't there for and something that i still regret even happened. i know that i won't say anything to either one of you, but i give it some thought. my fingers dial your phone number every once in a while, but i never hit the talk button. what would i say?

i miss you and i wish i knew you missed me.