being a mother is one of the most exhausting things on this planet. it is very rewarding - extremely, but there are days (more often than not) when i wish that i wasn't a parent. i love that little girl to pieces. she constantly surprises me with her level of intelligence and her wit. she's absolutely gorgeous, and i am not looking forward to her older years, because she's only going to get prettier.
but she frustrates the shit out of me. sometimes, when i hear her cry, i just think "shut the hell up! christ!"
and other times, my heart aches. i hate when chris doesn't move fast enough to get to her or treats her in a way that i think is wrong.
is that normal? i feel like i'm more often angry at her than not. i know that part of it is because of j. i feel like she loves j more, and if i were to leave lola there, she'd never notice that i wasn't around. i truly believe that. she doesn't want to come home, whines about being here, calls me grandma for a week or more.
i'm sure that i love her unconditionally, and that i would murder anyone that hurt her, but sometimes i'm afraid it's a case of "i like her, but i don't love her", and i don't want that to be the case. that isn't right. i'm her mother!
i'm also afraid that i'm treating her this way because i'm finally pregnant with christopher's baby, and that i'm going to like that one more than lola. i hope that isn't the case, because that isn't fair to anyone, and i don't want to favor one child over the other.
maybe i just need to learn patience . . .
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